


Breaching the layers

by fish_wifey



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pacific Rim, Childhood Friends, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Pacific Rim AU, Pining, Sexual Fantasy, Telepathic Bond, The Drift (Pacific Rim)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-24
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2019-03-23 08:33:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13783722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fish_wifey/pseuds/fish_wifey
Summary: Liking your childhood friend is one thing. Fantasizing another. But having a telepathic link without ever testing Drift compatibility, and having thoughts and dreams of another person invade yours, have each of your own read in turn...That's a little too wild for Yamaguchi.All he wants to be is a pilot, to maneuver a mighty machine such as the jaeger with his best friend, Tsukishima.





	1. Layer 1: Surface

**Author's Note:**

> Before this fic exist for 4 years and troubles me further, I'm just going to upload it. My Pacific Rim au which I loved to bits and wrote when I was hardcore writing for Tsukkiyama solely. I still love this pairing to bits but whenever I check this fic and want to make it perfect, I get blocked ;; So I decided to upload it! It was beta-checked a looooong time ago, so it should be easy to read ;v;

Biting the wrist until it hurts while getting some sort of pleasure must be categorized into the masochist category. The joining bones between Tadashi’s hand and his arms start to hurt the harder he puts his rows of teeth to the flesh. It stops the noises from coming out, while saliva slickens his skin. The pain turns Tadashi on to a certain degree, and it also serves as punishment for his baser thoughts, and the forthcoming business that brought him to the bathrooms. While pain gathers in one hand, the other strokes his hard manhood. His thumb rolls over the glans, and he flicks his not-hurting wrist in a special way, making drops of pre-cum smear the top, before his hands returns to the base with a twist of his wrist.

Through this self-harming protection mechanism, the only sound anyone walking in could hear, would be the rush of water. Tadashi breathes hard through his nose, air puffing out against the wet tiles. He’s in the dark, as he didn’t flick the lights on when he entered, keeping him and the embarrassing deed in the dark. 

Tadashi had entered the shower area for cadets and administrative folk shortly before 5 am. The cadets and crew in his department didn’t need to wake up until after 6, or until an attack was determined. Giving the sinful activity time to prolong, his mind fills in the gap created by standing here all by himself. Not having anyone else here didn’t crumble the joy in his loins, although it did set his heart burning as he yearned for someone else’s touch. 

His heart sadly had no say in the matter, and Tadashi wills his mind into accepting the truth; no one would come in, either to join him or to comfort him or to judge him. He releases the grip of his jaw locking around his skin, breathing out through his mouth and letting drool slip past his bottom lip. Eyes closed, his forehead to the cold, wet tiles, Tadashi brings his sore hand to his lower back, separating his fingers as he lets it drift lower and lower. Headey breaths slip out evenly, a controlled manner helping him ease his middle finger between his butt cheeks, helping in the erotic act of getting himself off against the tiles. It didn’t take much longer once he got his finger deep enough to stroke his prostate. Releasing quick breaths against the wall, his eyes clench shut, as Tadashi waits for the release to come. Hips buck into his waiting hand, the same hand that quickens the process. Biting his bottom-lip nonetheless the knowledge of no one being here to hear, Tadashi groans through his release, moaning Kei’s name downwards, as much in prayer and as in sin. 

Washing himself thoroughly after finishing, and closing the tap, the last drops of water pitter-patter to the ground around his feet, washing away all of his pathetic stupidity and unwanted lust. Just then, Tadashi hears a creak of the rusty old metal door. The hand that got him off shoots out the shower cabin’s side to get a towel, and wrap it securely around his waist. Only then does Tadashi feel safe enough to peek around the corner, trying to see what other early bird rose at this time. He wasn’t prepared to see Kei’s face, turned to the side checking for sounds. 

Feet slip backwards on the tiles, an inaudible footfall that brings Tadashi’s back against the just-cleaned tiles. His heartbeat pumps loudly in his ears and throat, and his shoulders tense up. For a moment it feels like the first time he stepped foot into a jaeger cockpit. Unlike the innocence he had as a child, other thoughts mingle with the erratic beat of his heart. Such are rough hands turning him around, a wet tongue on his skin, licking from somewhere between his shoulder blades to the nape of his neck whispering his given name in a low whisper. All sorts of images which Tadashi had used to get himself off, flickering once more through his mind, throbbing through his satiated bones.

“Yamaguchi.” Kei finds him in the cabin he occupies, face coolly looking around the corner. He wears a white loose shirt which hangs over a pair of long black shorts that reach his knees, and Tadashi’s eyes look all the way down to find a pair of bathroom flip flops.

“Morning Tsukki. You’re up early.” Tadashi hopes it’s the cabin’s small space, plus the fact that he’d woken up just 20 minutes ago, that make his throat so thin and his voice so low. He croaks, faking a cough, and gives his best friend a sheepish smile. Kei’s eyes always had that keen, ever-knowing look, processing all the materials in front of him without giving away a single word or definite comment to what he thought. Tadashi knew that look for what it was when faced with it, and he had to concentrate on the short mop of hair on top, or else he’d get lost in those eyes.

_’Push him against the tiles, kiss him, ravage him, make him utter what he wants, make him say your name, open his legs, push him up the tiles, make his back arch for you, fuck him-’_

“And so are you.” Kei says after assessing the situation, and steps past the shower curtain, into the cabin. He watches Tadashi, who diverted his eyes to the ground this time, double-checking if all the evidence of his deed had gone down the drain. He banished the thoughts off his brain, knowing they were wishful thinking, a fib his imagination told him to believe to be true. 

Meanwhile, Kei came close enough to be able to put his hands against the tiles behind Tadashi’s head. The room between them got smaller, a breath apart, and Tadashi could smell the scent he’s known since he was a child. There was a specific kind of scent clinging to Kei when he woke up, as if his sheets were washed with another kind of fabric softener. This close, Tadashi starts to fear the wetness from the shower (and the dirtiness he felt crawling all over his skin) would rub off on his friend, taint the whiteness and sin-free scent.

_’I’m already soiled enough as it is, Tadashi.’_

“Uh.” Tadashi utters, about to ask if Kei could give him some room to get out of the cabin. The shower had been lukewarm, and his body should have been cooling off by now. Instead, it felt as if he walked the woods back home in the thick of a Japanese summer. Kei only smiles when Tadashi is unable to mumble anything else.

“You heard me-”

“No, I didn’t it.” Tadashi looks straight at him, but cannot make a move away from the wall. It would make him touch Kei in any sort or form, and with only a pair of long trunks and a towel between them, he’d rather not.

 _’But I heard you, all across the halls, thinking of me, wanting me.’_ “- didn’t find you there. Why are you here at this time anyway? Nothing opens until 6:30.” 

“I’ve got work to do.” Tadashi lies through his teeth, his eyes focusing on Kei’s long lashes, his forehead. A forehead which doesn’t show sweat, unlike Tadashi’s who could easily say it’s just water from the shower. It’s a lie, and within an instant, Tadashi knows that they _both_ know it. Kei performs his lack-luster grin, tilts his head, complies to the untrue words with a nod. _’Kiss him. Just kiss him. He wants it. He would like it. He still blushes, still reeks of sex,’_

“Didn’t you just finish a job...?” Kei’s eyes don’t blink, lids half-closed and too sleepy to do so. A single drop of water, the last one probably, falls from the shower head on top of Tadashi’s mop of hair, and both the thoughts in his head, the words spoken by Kei, and that single drop on his crown, scare him half to death.

“N-no? What are you-” He shrieks, unable to finish his sentence. He smells the air, trying to pick up his own scent instead of Kei’s. He’s washed thoroughly, using sweet-smelling shampoos. Yachi had send him a brand from the mainland, together with the monthly supplies of sweets for Tadashi, Kei, Hinata and Kageyama. Except for Kei, no one had reacted on the new scent of shampoo. The smell didn’t come across as strong as Tadashi would have wished in this situation.

“I heard you writing in the top bunk-bed. Strategy?” Kei removes his hands from the tiles and backs off a little, face more neutral than before. Tadashi wishes he wouldn’t cling to the towel around his waist as if he’s afraid it would come off any second, or that his manhood would become aroused once more in the presence of his friend. 

“Pre-recruitment regulation test-scores. We get a new batch tomorrow and Ukai wanted to see their results before he meets the new recruit.” Tadashi says, trying to make the words come out naturally, not at top-speed. He wants to leave, but a hasty exit would make everything more suspicious. “I haven’t added all the data that I wanted yet, so I got up early.” 

“That so…” Kei grins, a rare dimple showing in his left cheek. _’His eyes are dilated. The blush doesn’t diminish his freckles one bit. He smells so nice. If only he’d be more ashamed; to turn around and hide it...I could kiss the nape of his neck, lick down his spine, make him say my name, and what he wants me to do to him...’_

“Are you going to shower or...or why did you come here?” Tadashi speaks, trying to push through the fog in his head, a thickness that makes his temples hurt. A shiver, unlike the one given by a cold breeze on the deck, runs down his shoulders and his spine, making his torso tremble once. He squares his shoulders, stands up straight, and takes a step forward. Drops of water fall off his hair to the ground, and onto the top of his feet. Kei gets the hint and walks backwards a little more, giving Tadashi the room he desperately needs. However, he leans one arm against the cabin’s corner, placing his head against the inside of his palm. The view does things to Tadashi he hates to admit to himself. While Kei feels at ease, every part of Tadashi tenses, and to his shame comes the addition of his nipples hardening.

“Merely looking where you went off.” The mockery hints at the corner of his mouth, and Tadashi comes near breaking point with all the added rumbling in his head. Rumbling which doesn’t belong to him at all. “But I guess I could use a shower, after all.” _’Think of me a little more, show me what you like, show me what you want from me.’_

Tadashi flees, crouching beneath Kei’s arm, grabbing his shower utensils on the way as he leaps to safety. His skin should’ve felt colder, but it heats up under those mustard-coloured eyes. He feels the look of them all over his back as he retreats. 

“Well I’m heading back now! See you later, Tsukki.” Tadashi can’t even look over his shoulder when he says it, nor bring himself to stop from walking away with all his stuff pushed to his chest like a shield. He doesn’t even hear Kei’s answer at least not the audible one spoken by his own mouth. Tadashi is at the door, about to walk across the hall in nothing but a towel, when his brain receives a last shake from outside.

_’Maybe I should stay and relieve myself, the same way you did.’_

 

*

 

*

 

Figuring out Drift compatibility is one of the toughest things Tadashi had ever been tasked with, and he had cleaned the windows outside the facility during monsoon season once. In this time and day, technology was a huge help; a computer designed to find parallels and matching numbers does most of the work. However, the tech needs data, and Tadashi has to fill it all in before the new recruits sail in from the mainland onto the navy tank-turned-mini island out east to Iwate. 

Tadashi looks up from his pc to face the stormy weather, which oddly calms him down somewhat. His fingers hover over the keyboard, and he wonders how the weather is south near Chiba, where the only other anti-kaiju defense base is settled. He could ask Kei, but he’s been avoiding him all day. After the showers, Tadashi had made sure to eat fast during breakfast and occupy himself with work, while begging Sawamura to give Kei other specific tasks. Maybe his stupid emotions were too visible, too tangible, but Sawamura hadn’t said a word and just made Kei stand on look out at the other side of the navy tanker. 

Even with the war clock letting them know that another attack wasn’t due until next week, having men and women on the lookout posts was crucial. Data could be wrong, accidents happened, and no one wanted to be responsible for any harm or deaths.

When Tadashi had turned 17 and came of legal age to be a trainee, he’d loved to stand on the look out posts with Kei, who had become a recruit only a few months earlier. Nowadays, he did everything to avoid being in too close a proximity with his best friend, actively going out of his way on days like these, when his lust took over his entire being. When his heartache was so painful that he bit his lip and made his fellow recruits working in the data department worry.

A sigh left his lips, and turned into a yelp when a hand clamped down on his shoulder. Tadashi looks up to Sawamura, who pulled him away from the desk.

“It’s dinner time, Yamaguchi. Go and eat.”

There was no way Tadashi would be able to talk himself out of a direct order from his department ‘captain’, and so he nods and makes his way out of the station. On his way down the elevator, he checks his phone, finding four messages. 

**Received:** 18:01  
**From:** Tsukki  
**Subject:** -  
**Message:** Dinner?

 **Received:** 18:03  
**From:** Hinata  
**Subject:** OMG  
**Message:** They’re serving meatballs! Meatballs, Yamaguchi! I either have to restrain Kageyama from eating them all OR have him try fit as many in his mouth as he can on a bet. Wanna come and make a video of it for Hitoka-san?

 **Received:** 18:28  
**From:** Tsukki  
**Subject:** -  
**Message:** Any time now, Yamaguchi. You’re probably still working, but I’m starting to get hungry. Also, there’s a special treat for you at the canteen.

 **Received:** 18:41  
**From:** Tsukki  
**Subject:** -  
**Message:** Seriously, you need to eat. Come down already. 

It was almost an hour after Kei’s first message, and as Tadashi thought about replying, Hinata sent a picture. It was Kageyama’s red face, tiny eyes squinting at the camera while brown goo rolled over his chin. Tadashi tries not to snort as he exited the elevator, and puts the phone away as a high-ranking officer crosses his path. He tenses up, salutes, then makes his way towards the canteen. 

Nishinoya stumbles out laughing, holding his stomach. When he sees Tadashi, he grabs him by the shirt.

“S-save him! Yamaguchi you have to get in there, Kageyama has four meatballs in his mouth and is trying to fit a fifth one.” Nishinoya manages to compose himself enough so that he doesn’t fall down have to resort to crawling through the hallway when he lets go of Tadashi. The latter, feeling lighter and more at ease, enters the spacious canteen area. He knows exactly where to find his friends, judging from where the most noise comes from, and by the amount of people standing at one specific table. 

When he sees everyone taking pictures but no video, Tadashi snorts, holds his phone up, and presses play.

“Kageyama-kun, this way please.” He snorts, and Kageyama, whose eyes are teary by this point, turns his head slowly, as if a wrong move would cause a catastrophe. Hinata laughs and flashes a peace sign into the frame, while Tadashi lets his phone zoom in Kageyama’s face as he continues moving chopsticks to his mouth.

“C’mon Kageyama, open up! Do it for Yacchan.” Tanaka says, his face strained by concentration. Kageyama holds the table and his face reddens, shaking his head. Tanaka sighs and eats the meatball himself, his plate piled up with at least twelve more. Jaeger pilots received no special treatment during dinner times, but Tanaka had a special connection to the canteen lady, Shimizu, who was the mother of his crush, Kiyoko. 

“How many is he at now?” Tadashi asks, and Hinata’s smile widens when he holds up his hand, all five fingers up. At that exact moment, Kageyama puts his own hand to his mouth, and Tadashi stops the filming when the other tries to either eat up or dispose of the meatballs in his cheeks in a dignified and cool way. Half the table moans in disappointment of him giving up earlier than usual. 

Tadashi is too busy sending the video to Yachi and ignores the hunger rumbling in his own belly when a foot kicks his shin. 

“There you are. I’ve been waiting at section 8 this entire time.” Kei’s displeasure is visible in the crook of his eyebrows; small indents of skin pressing together between them. It’s a little detail that not many people notice, but Tadashi had been friends with him for such a long time that even the most minor details were too easy to make out for him now.

“Ah, sorry, Tsukki. I thought you had already eaten.” Tadashi says, putting his phone away. To his side, Hinata challenges Kageyama, proclaiming he can fit even more meatballs into his mouth. 

“Well, if you’d replied to my messages- nevermind. Let’s go before those two claim the remainders.” Kei scoffs, then moves towards the counter where the food is handed out. Hinata follows them, requesting Tadashi to come back and sit at their table to make a second video. Tadashi’s reply has hardly left his lips as the small recruit, who is the oldest of the four, bounces forward, his arms stretched to the ceiling and his hands balled into fists.

“At least eat something before you help to those two.” Kei mumbles, his hands in his pockets as they walk. Tadashi rubs the back of his head, apologizing.

They return with plates not only filled with meatballs (the last of them, by pure luck), but also with rice and eggs. Tanaka had already claimed a full pot of vegetables in hot sauce for the table, and is already dishing it out to the rest when Tadashi and Kei sit down to join them. Tanaka always piles up meat for himself and NIshinoya, while he gives up heaps of veggies to the younger recruits. 

“You gotta eat if you wanna be big and strong. Here, Tsukishima, you get more meat. Gotta bulk up if you wanna be a strong and tough pilot like me!” Tanaka’s loud laugh stifles Kei’s objections, which are only heard by Tadashi.

“I don’t even want to be a pilot…” Kei utters as he breaks his chopsticks, eating the vegetables and the rice first. Tadashi’s smile is both grim and sad, taking his first bite out of the meatballs he likes best, his eyes rolling backwards at the taste of them. He hears Kei’s snort next to him and ignores it, putting another meatball into his mouth. He’s thankful Hinata also decided to eat first and try to beat Kageyama later, as Tadashi wouldn't be fit to stop eating right now. 

Nishinoya returns to their table as Tadashi starts on his rice, and he watches the smaller man steal meat from Tanaka’s plate both to eat himself and to give to Kei. Tadashi looks up to them as they stand eating and squabbling, the loudest pilots, who had also been the youngest pilots to make it into a jaeger. By the age of 16, Tanaka had a enough mental stability and endurance to enable him to withstand the mind tests. He also contained the incredible ability to be able to Drift with a variety of persons if he wished to do so. While Nishinoya shared some of that mental prowess, he also added quick reflexes to the mix. When Ukai tested their abilities on a whim, they had turned out to be Drift compatible, and became pilots as soon as the M8 series flew off of Japan and to their base. Havoc Romeo had been the first of a series made in Japan that had based the jaegers off of animals. The M8 series were lighter, faster, and had more fire power.

It was all Tadashi wanted; to pilot one of those jaegers. Spearpoint Raven was one of the last of the M8 series to make it to the tanker, and it was still pilotless. Tadashi had found himself drawn to the black chrome, winged robot, though it was half the size of the usual M4 and M5 mechas. 

Tadashi doesn’t feel it himself. He doesn’t know that he’s stopped eating, or that his eyes have glazed over. Someone from Communications once described a certain look in his eyes as a faraway stare; a hopeful look into the distance. Back then, Tadashi had been stressing over whether or not his yearning for Kei had become so obvious that other people picked up on it. He comes back to the here and now, while Hinata’s fitting the third meatball into his mouth. Tanaka stands on top of the chair to proclaim his love for Shimizu Kiyoko, while Nishinoya manages to eat, cheer on Hinata, and wave at Shimizu at the same time.

It’s also when he feels an elbow rubbing against his arm, getting his attention. Tadashi looks to the side, swallowing his bite at long last, and facing Kei’s bemused look.

“You want to visit hangar 12, don’t you?” Kei’s voice always had that gentler tone. Maybe it came out even more softly in the presence of all these loud people or from the secrecy. Tadashi looked down at their almost empty plates. “I have to do a maintenance check on the walkways from section 10 to 12 after dinner, anyway.” 

Kei finishes without giving Tadashi another look or any directions. When he gets up to leave, Tadashi wishes he could make his legs get up and join, but Hinata taps the table and Kageyama tells him to make the video and record the evidence of HInata’s failure (and Kageyama beating him). Tadashi cannot say no to his other friends, and as he puts down his chopsticks to take his phone out, another voice drowns out all the loud ones. An image he had pushed out of his head so many times, hating himself for creating it, makes its way into his skull, a drill from the outside he cannot control. It floats into his mind; the walkway under the roof of hangar 12.

_’...an unsupervised walkway between the sections, a clear sight from there to the jaeger you like, would provide you to gather your courage and kiss me, Tadashi.’_

 

*

 

*

 

It’s late after dinner when a satiated Tadashi finds himself behind a pc screen once more. Ukai came down on him for not finishing going through all the data yet, and when the smoke cleared out of the department, Tadashi felt relieved as well. His brain hurts from all the unwanted thoughts, and he’s happy to look at numbers and names and possible recruits, even if every single one of them should be regarded as a rival.

Not that Tadashi had much to show for all his work. Although the M8 series allowed for a lesser bulk in muscle and leaner pilots, Tadashi hadn’t been cleared for the pilot drills he’d wished to do. He knew his scores by heart, and knew what it meant to be classified enough to make the cut. Along with not yet having the needed results in his weekly training to still become a pilot, Tadashi knew that there was no one registered in the pc who he could have even the slightest amount of Drift compatibility with. It’s one of the reasons he chose to do these boring tasks, to keep searching. 

He knew in his heart that there wouldn’t be a single stranger who he would want to pilot a jaeger with, and that there was only one person. As much as Tadashi couldn’t get involved romantically with his best friend, it was impossible to make him want become a pilot, either. Kei got perfect scores whenever he did simulations, although he didn’t even have to try hard in the beginning. Tadashi had been too scared to confess his attraction, and that same fright rendered him unable to see if he and Kei had any compatibility at all. He didn’t want to be rejected and disliked by his friend, and he didn’t need to know that Kei and he might not have any compatibility at all. Both of these things would break his heart and cut through his soul, so he believes it’s better not knowing.

It’s also the reason he had texted Kei earlier, saying he couldn’t join him on the maintenance round. There was work to do, truly. Looking down on the last sheet of names and information, Tadashi bites his lips, as he had forgotten where he’d left off. Behind him, the door to the office opens with a swipe. 

“You would be done earlier if you didn’t space out half the time, Yamaguchi.” 

Tadashi turns on his chair to look at Kei, whose eyes look cold and unpleasant. He would like to open his mouth and say something back, but there was too much truth in Kei’s words to say anything. On the other hand, Tadashi didn’t feel like lying again. Shame still covered him like a thick fog, and this morning’s unsightly behaviour made him unable to look at Kei in this moment. When Tadashi didn’t retort anything, Kei knocked on the side of the doorframe, sighing.

“You should finish up. We’re up early tomorrow greeting all the canonfire of the new generation.” Kei knocks the door in an afterthought, then makes to leave for their room. “You should really take a look at your precious Spearpoint. By next week, it might become someone’s at long last.” 

All sorts of bitterness ran over Tadashi when the door closed. His eyes looked over the many names of the unknown people who were to arrive tomorrow morning, some of which would make their home here. There were a few of age who had trained at the facility near Chiba; able-bodied, strong-minded people, some of which had good compatibility. Another pain stabs through Tadashi’s heart: the knowledge that if he would be better, stronger, tougher; he would have the strength to take Kei up on his invitation and have his bitterness be consoled in sight of Spearpoint Raven, somewhere in the hollow darkness between sections 11 and 12.

He hangs his head, knowing he might never have the courage of following his dreams. Glaring at the last list of names, Tadashi whispers in spite.

“I dislike all of you already.”

 

*

 

*

 

The images in his head weren't his. On that day, Tadashi had been somewhere else. He wasn't at this other place, and there had been no camera surveillance to even know what had happened between the Tsukishima brothers. And yet here he was, standing in Kei’s shoes, feeling desperation, clinging to a dream, seeing two lonesome, apologetic eyes, facing away from him.

_’I can’t do it, Kei. Please accept my apologies. I wish I could be better for you.’_

Tadashi woke up in cold sweat, the only utterance from the person those images belonged to not coming from his sealed lips. He’s shaking, his balled fists clutching at the sheets beneath him, as he tries to regain control over his mind and body before he made a move to sit up. When the images disappear from his head, he looks to the side. He’s overslept if the clock on the wall was anything to go by. Kei had climbed the small ladder next to the bunk bed, and was giving him a look of displeasure. He was past the morning sleepiness, looking fresher than Tadashi felt, yet still disgruntled and displeased. Tadashi also saw the same kind of drops trailing down Kei’s temples which ran down his own forehead. 

"You're late for attendance. They sent me to get you." Tadashi gets up, watching Kei leave their quarters to give him 5 minutes to get ready. Dressing as fast as he could, Tadashi went to the basin in their room, splashing water over his face and neck. He picks up the lists he needs for later, then walks outside the room. He finds Kei standing outside, his arms lax at his side, and they start walking. Tadashi checks his watch; they’re not that late. He remembers that Sawamura had scheduled another simulation for Kei early that morning, which was why his friend had been up and leaving early without waking him up

"What were you dreaming of?" Kei asks as they make their way to the elevator. Tadashi has to lie, saying he can’t remember. At the same time, his heartbeat races with the pain and loneliness that wasn’t his own, but which he had felt on that day nonetheless. And every day since. Kei doesn’t drill him further, and lets Tadashi change the subject.

"I'm sorry for the lateness. How did your simulation go?"

"Another kill. Took me too long, if you believe Daichi-san. Everyone thinks we all should match up to his Royal Highness and his favourite commoner. To kill a kaiju under 5 minutes in simulation. As if normal people can do such a thing." They went around bends and through rusty old hallways, Tadashi greeting a few people they both knew, while Kei looked at none. "Did you finish the report for the candidate list?"

"Yeah, I sent it in before I went to bed. I hope Ukai approves of them this time. Their compatibility isn't top notch-" Tadashi says. _'Same old. So few of them have nowadays. Yet all of them have such a hard-on to die young.'_ Tadashi swallows through a thick throat, banishing the thought which wasn't his own from his mind. He continues his own sentence, as if the comment inside of his head had never been. "-lot's of married couples, siblings, childhood friends. Their psychical statistics are off the charts though." 

While Tadashi’s words try to hide bitterness behind a professional facade, the voice in his head scoffs. _'Everyone can fight in a gang or beat a smaller person. It's not the same as fighting a monster. Pathetic.'_

Tadashi's head swirls, his footing uneasy. He never kept a diary or talked to the on-board psychiatrist about the voice, which sounds like Kei's, and images he couldn't possibly own himself, entering his mind more and more lately. So many of the memories had been ones Tadashi shared with Kei, yet the angle was all different. Yesterday night, Tadashi had fallen asleep remembering the day he had come to this base. He’d been small, alone, afraid, and it had been cold and rainy. Yet the memory in his head was one of a sunny day, and when he looked up from a body taller than his 8 year old one had been, Akiteru smiled down to his face. Tadashi’s own memories consisted of his parents being hurt during a kaiju attack when he was a child, and leaving them at a revitalization center in the heart of China. 

The commander of the tanker back then had given the children who had suffered in the Miyagi attack an invitation to visit the facility, and see with their own eyes the hopes of the future. A week long, the young Tadashi had walked around the navy tank, wonder-filled eyes taking in all there was to see, and making a friend along the way. He and Kei had been friends ever since, even as they were both moved back to Miyagi. 

Due to Akiteru working on the base, Tadashi had been allowed back with Kei from time to time, visiting for a week, sometimes a month during holidays. The travel to China would be too much for Tadashi at that age, and both the Tsukishima brothers wanted to give him company and a better time. 

The old commander, Ukai senior, had been known as a hard rock to his own cadets, while he was nothing but kind to the young children coming to the base from time to time. 

A painful shock went through Tadashi when his memories stopped short on a specific day, when he and Kei had gotten themselves into the biggest trouble ever. Even if Tadashi tried to deny everything, he couldn’t help but know that the the first thought which wasn't his own penetrated his mind after that incident.

Years later, the new, younger commander Ukai, who hadn’t forgotten about the incident as told by his grandfather, still let the two of them onto the base, and gave them jobs as division partners at recruitment and statistics, as well as making them do the odd maintenance check every now and then. Tadashi’s dream would always be to become a pilot, and once he made himself a home inside the base, he trained like no one else. Although Kei had let him know when they were 14 that he wouldn’t want to be ‘kaiju food’, three months after rooming together on the base, Kei would go into the simulation training as a side-workout, without giving it his all the same way Tadashi did.

Tadashi and Kei enter the sparring area coded 2.12; the place was packed with the wannabe-jeager pilots, which they had to walk past to join Ukai and Sawamura. Tadashi performs a quick bow and apologize to Sugawara who gave him a noteboard filled with names and checkboxes. Tadashi was about to put his own lists below, when his eyes come across an anomaly, and freeze. His mouth went slack, and he gave Sugawara a disbelieving glance. Then Tadashi’s eyes go back to the piece of paper that had just been handed to him, displaying his own and Kei’s names at the very top.

"Wh-what?" Tadashi has hardly any time to check the rest of the noteboard, or even double-check if he’d seen right. Sugawara takes thing out of his hands, an even wider smile on his face. On the top of the mini stairs and right behind Sugawara, Ukai glances towards them, then calls out to the new blood in front of them all. Everyone freezes, all those names Tadashi had given a bitter look yesterday, and they look upon Ukai to hear what he has to say.

“There’s no need for me to welcome you lot just yet. Wherever you come from, whatever you’ve done, I don’t care. For now, you just shut up and watch.” Ukai bellows, giving the group a quick once over as if he didn’t have the time to do so earlier when they waited on Tadashi. He doesn’t glance at the two of them just yet, keeping his hands behind his back as he addresses the new people once more.

"Tsukishima Kei, 23 drops, 21 kills. Yamaguchi Tadashi, 49 drops, 16 kills. They will go up first and show you how it’s done, and what the point of this exercise truly is." He lit up a cigarette, dismissing the non-smoking sign behind him as it wasn’t paired with a smoke alarm. Tadashi couldn't blink fast enough. His own head is filled with ‘what’s and ‘why’s, unable to be spoken out loud in front of everyone. Meanwhile, another voice answers. 

_'They think Tadashi and I are compatible. They also think him not strong enough to make it. Why have him fight me if they don't believe in him..?'_

As if that shared thought was audible, Ukai turns to them, his eyes hard. 

"Yamaguchi, you went more often into simulation than anyone else. The paper to enter the programme never came on my desk. Tsukishima has to be pushed into a simulation every now and then, thanks to Sawamura. And although your streak-” Ukai looks at Kei for this, whose reaction Tadashi cannot see behind him. “-is in the top 10, you have never showed the will to enter either."

"Yes, sir. But,” Kei starts, shut down with an instant when Ukai cuts through.

"But nothing. I cannot say I have the gift of smelling or knowing compatibility. Neither do I think either of you are able-bodied enough to control the new Swift-mark zeros yet in the making, or even the latest M8.” Ukai’s eyes glance back to Tadashi, whose mind isn’t yet up to speed with what’s about to happen in the ring. Smoke covers Ukai’s face for a second, before he blows it away with a deep resounding sigh.

“Shimada had other thoughts, so, there ya go.” He didn’t look at the pair again, as he said, “Your audience.”

Sawamura steps in and takes over, nodding to Kei and Tadashi. "If you please. You know the drill, right?" 

Tadashi knew it, of course. He undid the laces of his black boots, unbuttoned his shirt enough to pull it over his head, hearing snickering all around from the new recruits. He was nowhere near as buff as them, and even the skinniest person on the other side had more muscle mass than Tadashi himself. Meanwhile, Kei didn't have more muscle, as he stood taller, a menacing aura emanating from him. Some of the jaeger-desires in this room knew him from the mainland and had heard of his brother. Rumors of the incident that happened when they’d been younger might have gotten to them, but no word of it came to Tadashi’s ear.

As he hesitated, Kei goes inside the white square, balancing the thick stick Sugawara had handed out on his favoured right hand. Tadashi sees Kageyama and Hinata watching on a platform above the recruits. Stomach acid burns his throat as he enters the pit. Kei stands at the other side, his back to the ‘audience’, waiting for Tadashi to be ready. 

They do the customary bow, silence thickening the air. Tadashi feels afraid all of a sudden to face off against his best friend; there’s all of sorts of things he denies or doesn’t show, which he cannot talk about, to confront either himself or Kei. And now he has to fight him!?

He nearly lets the stick fall out of his hand when Kei rushes to an attack. Picking it up and ducking _'Roll, evade, or I'll hit your back.'_ Tadashi rolls to the side, stick against his chest. As Kei’s attack comes down on him, Tadashi is able to balance on one knee and one foot, bringing his stick above his head and defend against Kei's attack. Tadashi opts to hit the feet, but Kei jumps back, making a half moon circle with the stick and snapping the wood to parry the blow and defend his legs.

The switch flips easily. Tadashi's eyes never glance away from Kei's. He doesn’t think, doesn’t see anyone else in the room. As much as he should, Tadashi also neglects to watch Kei’s footwork. Instincts tell him, as if knowing it first hand, where Kei decides to go. Whenever Tadashi steps forward and leashes out, Kei bows and ducks the attack. The times when Kei jumps forward, Tadashi swings his own staff to his shoulder, defending his body from Kei’s wooden stick that comes down like a lightning fast blade. They dances around like this, neither waiting, ever attacking, neither getting a hit out of the other.

 _'Not going for my glasses. Noble.'_

Tadashi blinks in between blocks, wondering who the hell would attack someone's eyesight like that, and if Kei would be allowed in a jaeger wearing glasses. _'They'd shove lenses over my eyes, or force me to correct them through surgery. Protect your ribs, Tadashi.'_ Holding the staff with both hands to his right side the second that thought crosses his mind, Tadashi grunts when Kei smacks wood against the staff, grinning. 

_'Barricading the right-side because I prefer to attack with my left-hand for surprise attacks. Taking note for future fights. Can't have people think I'm predictable.'_ But Tadashi knew what sorts of unpredictable moves Kei would whip out once his engine starts. After all, out of the 22 simulations, not counting the one of this morning, Tadashi hadn’t missed a single one of them. He didn’t just do it as a data collecting analyst; he kept track of Kei’s training for all the other reasons.

They danced around to the other end where Ukai, Sawamura and Sugawara stood. Tadashi heard them whispering, in succession; 'childhood-friends', 'never sparred together', ‘Yamaguchi has the heart but not against Tsukishima’, and then _'presumed lovers'_ -

Kei’s devilish grin stretches, as if he just said those words out loud. For a second, Tadashi freezes, and knows he cannot evade the next attack or get out of the ring. The distraction in his head is enough for Kei, whose staff hits the back of Tadashi’s hand, ramming the staff away, stopping further attempts of attacking. Tadashi rubs his sore hand, giving his friend a mean look. 

_'We never even kissed. Wouldn't mind though. Tadashi is a virgin, compliant, easy to get-'_

"Hit doesn't count,” Sugawara tries to say through his laughter. “You have to mean it, Tsukishima, even against a friend. That light hit is not worth mentioning.” 

Tadashi grunts, half angry that he got hit, half concerned Kei didn’t attack like he should, as if he were taking it easy on Tadashi. The latter hasn’t taken a single hit himself yet, and he has to wipe away all thoughts and voices and unnecessary things. He picks up his staff and creates some space between him and Kei, listening to Sugawara. “Zero to zero draw, I've never seen something like it." 

Tadashi's head burns, his skin becoming sensitive as the thoughts not belonging to his own become crazier. He shakes his head, then lets his eyes turn to Kei. He lets his mind drift off, mixing images of sucking Kei off and making him swallow those words. Energized once more, Tadashi steps forward, fighting fire with fire. He imagines a whimpering, begging mess, a Kei who is uncontrolled, pushed over the edge, wild enough to release the animal. Who bends forward to grab a brown head for a kiss, tasting his own seed on Tadashi’s warm, bruised lips-

"You'd sure like that, huh, Yamaguchi." The grin holds dirt and mockery after those whispered words, but Kei distances himself from Tadashi, too. A hand travels up his neck to rub over it. _’If I underestimate him, he'll eat me alive. And if I think too much-'_

“I think we’re done here. No hits after eight minutes.” Sawamura says, looking up to Ukai. 

"Impressive. You guys sure got a connection going on..." Ukai stomps on his cigarette, continuing to act as if there’s not a ‘no smoking area sign behind him as he lights up another smoke. Tadashi doesn’t like the score, but as Ukai’s eyes bore through them both, he comes to stand next to Kei, and they both bow before their boss. "You guys are compatible, no question about that. Those quick reactions were no joke or a fluke; so on point before the attack even took motion. That’s some seriously crazy shit."

Behind them, whispers and rumors float back and forth.

_’Ignore it. They know nothing...’_

Tadashi doesn’t know if those words were meant for him, or if Kei said it to himself.

"The doctors said their neural waves were off the charts too, he even suggested that the compatibility was so high that they should be able read each other’s minds without the added technology." Sugawara chimes, words said so brightly that no one took them seriously. And yet they made Tadashi’s back drenched in cold sweat. As if he knew…

"I'd love to give Tsukishima a jeager, if he'd work hard to keep it. Yamaguchi is a too high a bet. Whatever he brings in determination, he lacks in other areas. Some of the easier simulations were a struggle and his high loss-count wouldn't get him even a D-grade." Ukai stands firm, blowing smoke out. He looks at Tadashi, and whatever face Tadashi made in that moment, something in it must have pushed the young commander, who looked even more gruntled. 

"Aaah, fuck it, he has potential though. Let's see how it goes out of a simulator. Tanaka! Nishinoya! Get your asses over here." Ukai yells over their heads. Tadashi blinks at the words 'out of simulator’ as if it meant the unthinkable. But their commander couldn't possibly mean to send him out against a kaiju? The notion of it was ridiculous, and vaporizes in an instant when the reason why the actual jaeger pilots were called out yet unclear. 

Tanaka and Nishinoya, second-best duo at the west-pacific coast, swagger around the pit, looking ready for a fight. It concerns Tadashi how their eyes zone in on him. 

"Tsukishima, you're good to go." Sawamura moves in front of Tadashi when he follows to leave, who had heard the dismission and thinking it was meant for him too. The hand on his shoulder stops him from doing so, while Kei looks around to him and Sawamura. "You heard commander Ukai. You stay."

Ukai walks down the few steps, giving clearer instructions to Tadashi, who still doesn’t catch up to what’s supposed to happen. 

"Yamaguchi, simulate as if you’re only capable of taking the right hemisphere, and put your left arm behind your back. Try not to use your left arm at all, if possible.” Ukai says, low enough for only the people on this side of the pit to hear. He then looks past him, to where Tanaka and Nishinoya who were about to take a staff to spar each. 

“Tanaka, Nishinoya, you two go in without staffs. You are the kaiju now. The mission is to tackle Yamaguchi here and render him defenseless." Exhaling smoke, Ukai walks back to his previous position, leaving Tadashi to move back into the middle and welcome his new sparring partners. Cold sweat breaks out on his neck and back, marking his anxiety. Sparring with Kei had been taxing, but also fun whenever he was able to defend himself properly or getting almost-hits. He had liked seeing Kei’s surprised face, and the grin which would follow for a second. 

His commander must be kidding. He couldn't expect Tadashi to hold his own against _both_ the top ranking pilots!?

"Whatever you say, boss." Nishinoya jumps from side to side to warm up, his boots already off. He lands on his bare toes, perfectly on top of the square line surrounding the ring, before finally smacking his hands on the matt, rolling his shoulders and making weird noises; at least he was smiling if he wasn’t snarling. Tanaka however, looks as if he was ready for a gang fight; cracking his neck, fingers, and back muscles, rowing his arms forward and promising Tadashi a world of pain. His face, void of any good-natured mirth or camaraderie, becomes possessed by a shadow of doom as he enters the ring. Every inch of him a hungry dragon looking at his meagre prey. Tadashi presses the staff against his chest. He’s always known he wouldn’t last a second against either of them. Now he felt pure fear looking at Tanaka.

"Please start." Ukai breathes out a hint of smoke, a sadist watching from the sidelines without displaying a laugh. Tadashi looks at Kei, who is fully dressed again, before he turns around to his new attackers.

They circle Tadashi, both chortling, busy re-creating kaiju-like sounds. Tadashi does as he was told, his left fist prodding his spine, swallowing dry heaps of air down his throat and bringing the staff up for defense, making it as long as he can. His whole footing was off by fright and dysfunctionality, knowing everyone watching expects him to fail. 

_'You only fail if you do not want to be a pilot.'_ He hears the echo in his mind, Kei's voice a soft hum vibrating am incredible, fuzzy warmth to his fingers. Blinking, Tadashi keeps Tanaka at bay by swiping at him, jumps out of Nishinoya's airline whenever he jumps into an attack. _'Remember your training. Fighting two opponents gives you a great disadvantage. Play it to your favour; use them against each other. They're simpletons.'_ Tadashi's head rumbles with ideas while he dances around Tanaka, trying to swipe at him but misses by an inch. Nishinoya, who has gotten behind him by now, gears up making himself known by a low screeching voice.

As Tanaka runs forward, Tadashi side-steps him, ramming the end of the staff against the back of his ankle. The desired effect takes place, as Tanaka collides against Nishinoya, who pushes Tanaka off to let him fall. The squabble is enough to distract them of a greater threat. Tadashi runs forward, tips the wood against Nishinoya's angry face towards his best friend, which becomes a surprised one when looking up to Tadashi.

"Dead." Tadashi says, then hops towards Tanaka who lies on his stomach. He avoids the thrashing legs, ignores Tanaka’s indignant sputtering, then walks over the spine. The end of the wooden weapon touches the back of Tanaka's head, making his forehead push to the ground. "Also dead."

No one says a word when Tadashi steps away from the two, tapping the end of his staff against his shoulder blade when he bows to his commander and leaders.Standing up straight, Nishinoya still has his hands up as if he wants to tickle Tadashi, his attack frozen in place. Tanaka doesn’t move, only his head twisted to look at Tadashi, eyes wide. Sugawara stares, nervous but proud, and Ukai has lost his cigarette to the ground, while Daichi crushes the stump beneath the heel of his boot. A ‘holy shit’ is whispered from their general direction, but is too silent to discern who said it. 

Two hands begin clapping behind him, and when Tadashi glances back, he sees Kageyama and Hinata chiming in with the applause all around him. He could do nothing other than bow his head in thanks, blushing from the praise erupting all around him. Tanaka pats a hand across his shoulder, telling him that he’d done well too, while Nishinoya clamps his arms around Tadashi’s and climbs him like a monkey, his legs looped around Tadashi’s waist. The latter cannot duck quick enough, or his hair gets messed up by the smaller and wild hands. 

“That was incredible. Yamaguchi! Damn you got us so fast too! Hey, wanna spar with us a little more? We surely need the practice. Dammit you asshole, that was so cool!”

Ukai barks at everyone to keep it down and calls out the next two names to get ready and show it off, while Tadashi gets pushed ahead by the pilots to regain his stuff and make himself look presentable once more. Standing outside the ring, he wipes the sweat from his neck, wondering if he could excuse himself for a moment to get something to drink.

“Here you go.” Glancing up to Kei, Tadashi’s eyes were drawn by the hand in front of his chest, holding a water bottle.  
“...Guess the easy life is over at last.” 

Distracted after taking a sip, he regards Kei head on, less afraid of being confrontational towards his friend after their test in the ring. “Is that why you never volunteered, because you wouldn’t get to sit on your butt the entire time?”

“..Not at all.” Kei glances at him, then his eyes drift away when a ‘3-2’ was bellowed by Daichi, before staring back at Tadashi. _’I simply refuse to be teamed up with anyone else. As much as I value my own skin, the thought of dying next to someone I don’t know or don’t care for would have been even more depressing.’_

Tadashi feels the heat blow off his skin, and he takes a few more sips of the cold water in hopes of cooling off, not facing Kei until he does. Once he’s feeling more confident, he allows the stream of shared thought to go both ways. To form a thought and shove it towards Kei. _So what, you waited for me to be finally accepted?_

 _’Something like it, yeah.’_ Telepathic silence reigns in and they look away at the same time, watching how the recruits were doing. Tadashi couldn’t get it out of his head; ‘presumed lovers’. He wonders if it had been someone else voice he’d heard, or if it had been Kei messing with him. He hated it either way, as emotions such as a too much shame, as well as envy rode over him in hot waves. Because it wasn’t true. 

_’I wouldn’t mind. You should know as much by now.’_

_I don’t know anything._ Tadashi blushes again, while his chest thrums the wildness of his heart, as if it skips all over the place. In fact, Tadashi could skip all over the place, if he were some idiotic 12 year old. Instead he takes it easy, tilts his chin up and regains some sort of control of his facial structures. A smile breaks through, if he wants to or not. 

_’It pisses me off how much you keep lying to yourself, and to me. Don’t you think I deserve more than your cold shoulder, Tadashi?’_ It wasn’t that easy, and Tadashi felt this constricting wire around his throat for wanting anything from Kei in the first place, no matter how much the wishful thinking, his hopes, and Kei’s own thoughts, should be weighing more than his self-doubt and fears. _’It’s only the fear of the unknown in the first place, you don’t know how it will go unless you try. What’s the point in getting into a simulator 50 times and wanting to be a pilot, if you’re not ready to open up the possibility of a relationship?’_

“Alright, you win.” His skin tingles and his stomach becomes a whirlpool of bile and acid, but he pushes the whispered words out as quickly as possible. He feels Kei’s eyes on him, not judging, but calculating. It is as if he drills them into Tadashi’s cheeks, which must be why they’re flaring up in colour so much. “W-we can try it out, if you’re going to be so persistent.” 

“Sure. My invitation from yesterday hasn’t changed. Hangar 12.” Says Kei once he has what he wanted. Tadashi looks up to him, to the face that looks forward once more, no outward sign of embarrassment found on Kei. He wishes to say the things he’d kept in his head out loud, to create a bridge past their mutual non-verbal understanding which they have cherished for so long. 

But Ukai’s groan is louder, and he sends off another set of recruits. “Not good enough!”

Sugawara taps Tadashi’s shoulder, and points to the noteboard. “You can cross off number 1-6. They’re all out.” 

A black marker crosses off the six names, and after them more follow. It’s too much to hope for, and there’s a whole lot more to be done before he can be a pilot. But as he has to cross off more and more names, Kei’s smile widens, and somehow, the wishful thinking turns into a reality.

At the end of the morning, Tadashi’s and Kei’s names are the only ones left on the list.

 

*


	2. Layer 2: Core

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some confessions out of the way, there's more to come. 
> 
> How can they know what the other things? How can they transmit thought _outside_ a Jeager?
> 
> All of this is revealed, as Ukai Ikkei makes his entrance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was yeaaaarrss ago that I tried being super vague and technical and writing about things I had no clue about. I basically added the Thor idea of 'magic is science' and hope the lack of true scientific knowledge is bearable...
> 
> Anyway, my boys!!! I have a much newer fic waiting to be finished (and with an au I have been dyyying to write), but I don't know how much more tsukkiyama I will write or finish. 
> 
> Love them forever c:

His shoulderblades knock into metal, hard. Tadashi ignores the female robot voice welcoming them to the inside of the jaeger cockpit. It’s impossible to admire all the shiny chrome around him when Kei’s tongue is rushing over his lips and requesting permission to enter. Kei’s palms are hot, sweaty, nervous, and he’s holding Tadashi’s wrist as if feeling his pulse is all he needs not to lose his sanity. Kissing back is hard, when Tadashi wants to do a hundred dirty things to Kei, he’s having them be done to himself, while Kei’s wishes and needs mix into his own. Because of the overflowing impulse to have as much of Kei as he can get, Tadashi bites back instead of using his lips, whimpering when Kei presses against him.

The door to the jaeger cockpit closes, the sound of steam and closing steel not capable of creating a sound louder than the hisses and whispers of neediness transpiring between Tadashi’s and Kei’s open-mouthed kisses. Saying each other’s names just for the sake of having the syllables run over wet lips and cross over to the other’s mouth, reaches as skin deep as Tadashi’s nails scratching over Kei’s arms once he’s freed. There’s too much of not enough, and Tadashi needs Kei’s everything. Undressing becomes a beastly procedure, and Tadashi cannot help but laugh knowing Kei will make him sew back on the buttons of his shirt tomorrow.

Or the day after, if they ever get out of here in time. The buttons falling to the floor elicit Kei’s silly light laughter, before the blushing blond rushes forward once more, connecting his mouth to Tadashi’s only to steal his breath. They inhale through the nose, Tadashi half-blind with lust at feeling Kei’s bare torso and arms all around his barely dressed self. Tadashi’s work shirt hangs past his shoulders. Yet it cannot make its way over his arms, as Kei has him locked against the cold steel behind him. 

It’s a blurry mess and Tadashi likes it. Long-term friendship enabled them not to speak but to _know_ , their inexplicable thought connection rendering all need to even look at each other unnecessary. Now on top of it, Tadashi feels all of Kei’s wants, and as a true lover, he cannot wait to please him all the way. There’s no fear of doing it wrong; it’s impossible. They’ve chosen to fall together, to catch each other. There’s no time for fear of falling once you’ve learned how to fly. Soaring higher, Tadashi’s tongue licks under Kei’s top lip, appreciating the hum vibrating over his lips, inside his heart, and echoing throughout his body. 

It’s hard to keep their hands off each other; it feels like a sin to even leave a fingertip off the other’s skin. Kei ducks his head to trace the freckles that are all over Tadashi’s arms, pushing the shirt down himself. The rim of his glasses feels cool against Tadashi’s skin, but the fog gathering on them reflects none of such coolness from the wearer. Leaning back, Tadashi needs to close his eyes. It’s all too much of everything he’d always wanted, and his head can’t quite keep up when Kei maps out lines with the tip of his tongue, reaching lower while his hands grasp Tadashi’s lower arms. He’s low enough to tease the inside of Tadashi’s elbow, a thing he could slap his friend for. But then the tongue returns to the freckles, little brown dots normal to Tadashi’s eye, but special for Kei. Kei’s tongue tracks between dots, connecting them like they were star constellations; whispering the constellation’s names while Tadashi’s eyes start to roll back. There’s words of love, kissed, breathed and bitten onto skin. Tadashi’s hand shoots out to brush over the short blond hairs, when an absolutely sinful tongue runs all the way from his pulse to the elbow and over his biceps, teeth once more sinking into the harder, sharper angles of Tadashi’s body.

_’I could do this all night, mark you all over, and not be satisfied.’_

It’s impossible to differentiate anymore. No matter how fleeting the thought, they react on impulse and execute the wishes of the other as soon as they come to life as an idea. Some ideas, such as pushing Tadashi down, have Kei knocking over cans of oil that shouldn’t be here, which makes a mess all over their clothes and their skin. For a second Kei stops, looking at his messy hands and knees, to Tadashi who lies right in the leak.

“Whatever you do, don’t stop. Please, Tsukki.” Tadashi begs, his eyes wide and pleading. Kei doesn’t hesitate upon the sight of the most vulnerable call, and pounces on Tadashi. His long fingers comb through the thick brown hair, holding it dearly as he lays Tadashi on the floor. Kei slides awkwardly, unable to find proper footing on this mess. When he slides to the side, Tadashi cannot help himself.

Of all days, Kei had misbehaved the most today, and Tadashi welcomed the urge of sweet revenge. Thinking himself more the slayer than the knight in shining white armour, he uses Kei’s slip for his own dirty attack, knocking Kei down on his back and straddling his lap.

He eases Kei’s protesting head down, down with a kiss, the softest touch of tongue Tadashi can manage in this utterly unbelievable situation. For the first time after rushing inside the cockpit, Tadashi takes his time. He slowly rolls his tongue against Kei’s, whose eagerness forms a bulge, which pushes against Tadashi’s own unavoidable need. As starved as he felt, he feels satiated in this moment, kissing Kei long and full.

When they open their eyes, there’s no need for words, unspoken or audible. Tadashi’s eyes tear up with the emotions, doubled by his own and Kei’s, his entire body feels hot and cold, while jolts run deep down to his center. Kei won’t let him cry, nibbling at his bottom lip and calming him down with the tone of his voice.

“Yeah, me too. Always have.”

“And I always will, Kei.” Tadashi finishes the one feeling, the only conclusion. They start laughing at their own stupidity and anxiety in waiting this long, when it is _so easy_ to give in and be together like this.

“The easiest.” Kei adds, his oil-black fingers ruining Tadashi’s hair more and more, creating this beauty in the filth. Drops of oil clash on their trousers, soon lost somewhere else. Tadashi’s blind again, lust claiming both his vision and his ability to speak. All his mouth can do is kiss, taste, bite, mark, claim. Saying broken words no one but Kei can decipher, while they line their bodies up, line their sexes up, two hands between them, stroking each other. Kei is the fish out of the water, not capable of moving with the oil spill and the warmth of their bodies running drops down their skins. Tadashi, who’d never done this before, can only go on off his dreams, their dreams, and moves his hips forward.

They sigh as one, Tadashi letting his hips circle, then running his entire length of Kei’s, holding him close to himself. Tadashi is the first to leak, Kei eager to make him spill all over his stomach. He feels the long, agile fingers, brushing his cock up and down, taking his time to get Tadashi’s precum on his fingers, leaving only for what Tadashi knows has to be the smiling mouth. He does not see, eyes closed, but sees everything through Kei’s eyes. It makes him nervous to know how he holds his shoulders, a slack bunch of limbs. How Tadashi’s head is held back, displaying a throat Kei wants to mess up in hues different from the skin, such as burgundy reds, and teeth marks. 

Tadashi forces his eyes to open, feels the same wetness as before. He needs to see Kei, under him, waiting for him, showing Tadashi the brightest, happiest smile. Kei calms him down, his free hand running up and down Tadashi’s side. It intensifies the need to make that mouth hang open wide, lustful moans to be resounded inside the jaeger. Their rightful place and new home.

 _Wherever you are is home to me, Kei._

_’You’re everything to me,’_ It’s the last coherent thoughts before it all burns up in flames and thunder. A myriad of colours flash across Tadashi’s eyes, his lips wide apart, moans coming all the way from his stomach. His toes curl into the mess they made together, and he comes hard across Kei’s cock and stomach. Kei urges him on, praises him, appreciates his beauty, and makes Tadashi blush all the more and render him unable to look at Kei.

He only does when he feels him tremble. Tadashi opens his eyes, watching a sprawled Kei on top of the oil leak, Tadashi’s own sperm spread out on his chest, and the neck long, Adam’s apple twisting up and down. There’s hardly any sound until a hot mess spreads out and over Tadashi’s fingers, when Kei’s loudness becomes a symphony to Tadashi’s ears. He keeps stroking Kei until all his seed ejaculates out. Tadashi’s brain is off, and his fingers move automatically, bringing the hand filled with Kei’s unpurest self to his lips and taste.

It’s the last thing Tadashi remembers happening before he collapses. There is no pain, his head hits something soft, and it's not until after he comes back to himself what he knows he’d fallen on top of Kei’s heart, beating all for him in this very moment. 

 

*

 

*

 

Kei catches him at the shoulders, but the head bumps into his chest anyway. There’s no ‘soft’ spot to lie on, and under any other circumstance, Kei would dislike how everything around him is filthy.

However, Tadashi’s warm, spent, and beautiful body lies all over him, so it’s basically heaven. As much as he can, he brings Tadashi’s arm to lie next to Kei’s body, whose arms circle around the freckled back and keep him close. His sticky fingers, coloured oily black and seedy white, run through the mess he made out of Tadashi’s hair. His deep breaths ghost over Kei’s chest, and he doesn’t mind the hard floor or the fact that his entire backside got dirty.

He wouldn’t know a better place to be, right now. Not even a bed seems interesting, if it would mean waking Tadashi up, parting for even a second. Kei laughs thinking that Tadashi isn’t just a handful anymore (even after having a ‘handful’ of Tadashi just now), but an armful of trouble. His mind must have run through the depths of Tadashi’s sleepy unconscious, who giggles in his sleep.

Kei wouldn’t know how long they lay there. His body felt comfortable and warm, his arms securing the sleeping beauty’s much-needed rest. Sadly, this peace didn’t last forever. 

A soft vibration comes from his pants, and Kei eyes then, his head tilting to the side. A twitch goes off in his cheek, and he checks if the jaeger’s response is already coded to their voices.

“Get the transmitter for me?” Kei tries, and succeeds; a metal arm, triple joined, comes down from the ceiling like a helpful scorpion's tale. What must be magnetic magic reaches for the phone and brings the pants with, floating next to Kei’s head. He lets one arm (after giving Tadashi another backrub) hover towards his pants pocket, fishing out the interrupting device.

‘Big boss’ lights up on the screen, and Kei picks up with lead in his throat.

“Yes, Ukai-san?”

“Your asses were wanted in sector 3, Tsukishima, 27 minutes ago. Heat signatures tell me you and Yamaguchi have already taken a look inside Spearpoint. Party is over.” Ukai’s voice has never been this gruff before, and he ends the call without further explanation. Kei holds his arm, stilling holding his phone, over his forehead, fear tickling his skin. 

Maybe because it concerns his grandfather, Ukai senior.

 

*

 

*

 

After visiting his brother as a child and living here himself for four years, Kei had thought he’d seen every corner of the facility. Not moving a muscle, he looks to the wall opposite him, and wonders if he’d just found the bleakest part. For some reason, the old commander's quarters were white. 

Hands behind him, squashed between his lower back and the metal right behind him, Kei directs his thoughts towards a ceiling which wouldn’t answer back with grand solutions. He and Tadashi have been standing at the exact spots between two lights, covered in a semi-shadow. The lights were bright enough to make his eyes squint. While Kei remains motionless, he hears Tadashi’s fingers tapping the metal, his feet scuffing the floor as if there’s something beneath his boot he can’t get off; maybe it’s nerves. Maybe it’s boredom. 

They know quite well why they’ve been summoned here. If they’d be given absolute clearance to an opportunity to pilot a jaeger, Takeda would’ve contacted them, being the bearer of Good News on this unsinkable fortress. If they’ve risen in rank, Ukai Jr. would’ve stopped by their barracks. He’d keep smoking his cigarettes outside their doors because cadets had higher sensitive smoke alarms, and thus there would be ashes left at their front door, where the debriefing would happen. Instead, they’ve been notified on the intranet to come here, to the front of the office belonging to Ukai Sr., and to wait for him to let them inside to discuss the course of the possible next four years here. 

They know why they’re here, and yet haven’t talked about it. Not after the messages were received, or when they took the walk from their end to this. Not even as Ukai Sr. kept them waiting for the past 25 minutes. Kei knew if Tadashi had anything to say, he’d have done so by now. And if Kei had anything on his mind, it might as well stay there, letting Tadashi pick up on it eventually.

Kei might need to apologize for that. Fact is that he’s unable to start anything that flows into the direction of ‘more than friends’. He wants to, the gods know of it, but he simply can’t. All he’s made of is warped personality which has no problem conjuring sexual situations of them two in his (and by extension, Tadashi’s) head. In all matters, after he weighed if it was worth it or not, Kei’d speak his mind, make mean comments to people who make it too easy for him, or hold his tongue. Regarding how important Tadashi and their friendship is, he couldn’t threaten the balance by fucking it up. He had given it a lot of thought when Tadashi wasn’t around, and always ended up having the worst case scenarios. Confessing his crush, trying to hold hands, saying anything risque; he’d do it all wrong, and lose Tadashi.

In the shroud of thoughts, able to deny any truth if necessary, he felt safer. It was easier to leave his dirty mind as an echo in Tadashi’s head; suggestion hissed like an evil snake.

Somehow those mind plays between them are easier, more of an grey area which cannot be judged or proven. In the beginning, Kei had hoped Tadashi would ask about it, corner him, describing all the dirty images in words. Kei’s neck felt warm just thinking about Tadashi confronting him about the dreamed up blowjobs and against-wall-sexscenes he’d thrown at him during breakfast or assembly. He sighs, eyes to the floor, giving each part of the hall a good and stern look until Ukai Sr. finally opens the door and admits them to his office. 

Kei goes in first, making sure his bow is slightly lower than usual. He takes one of the seats in front of Ukai Sr.’s desk, and waits for Tadashi to close the door and take the other. ‘Sex on a table’ is something Kei stores away for another moment, hoping he’d dream about Tadashi leading him into an empty dining hall. Trying not to think about it, he looks around Ukai Sr.’s office. They haven’t been here in a while, but nothing had changed over the years. It seemed that at all times, Ukai Sr. kept at least one window open, a tray of bird feed in plain sight. They weren’t close to the shore, but rumours had it that the old commander kept it open, just in case one bird needed his help. If you entered the office during summer, or if the door was open, you could hear the sea gulls passing bynand the rare crow curious about the ship. 

“My apologies for keeping you. Before you two arrived, I got an urgent call from Australia, and it took me too long to fend them off.” He smiles, but the Ukai smiles are infamous for indicating nothing good. To those in the know and under the ‘wing’, they’re worse than the Nekomata grins (although those under the ‘paw’ would like to differ). They watch on as Ukai Sr. sits back and crosses his arms. 

“I’ve seen the footage. Your sparring match yesterday has been quite the talk. Here, let me show you the most interesting of things.” Ukai Sr. taps on a button on his chair, and a screen appears. It’s an aerial view of the square where Kei and Tadashi had faced off. The video was at a pause, and a short, red line indicated a replay. “See, this right here. Yamaguchi, you’re moving before Tsukishima’s body language could tell you where he’d strike. Don’t you find that curious? Or am I simply dealing with a genius? You haven’t shown this sort of aptitude in any other physical test, or recognition games.”

Tadashi has his hands in his lap, his shoulders relaxed. Kei sees through the performance, as Tadashi forces his body too much to appear compeltey at ease. It’s a clear sign he’s riled, and Kei has never seen him this tense, trying too hard to remain aloof. His eyelashes and the nose betray him though. Kei can see his nose flare slightly and his eyelashes are moving way too fast as to being calm. 

“It’s not the first time we’ve done this.”

“I’ve been told that isn’t true. And even so, it couldn’t possibly be that you’d memorize and would be able to anticipate every single move, Yamaguchi.” Ukai Sr.’s voice is gruff, but not too harsh. His face however, does not allow for any more fibs. Tadashi holds his tongue after that, eyeing his boots and the carpet beneath them. Putting up a front, he tries to kill every piece of listlessness inside of him. Kei tore his eyes away, and went straight to the core of this meeting.

“Ukai-san, would you please enlighten us as to why we are here? If there are concerns because of yesterday, I am sure your grandson would have to deal with us instead of you.”

“He would, probably. Did you know that we are the only two who know about the effects of the incident 6 years ago, Tsukishima?” The smile was gone, and the old face went hard and unforgiving, as if not talking about it had brought them into this troubling situation. 

“Let’s pretend we forget the sheer amount of safety regulations you trampled on, the lives you put in danger, including your own; or the manpower it took to bring you two and the jaeger back to our base. We might also want to forget the schooling you two have received despite it, the trust you were given without a doubt, and the negligence of punishment which had seemed too hard on two 9 year olds. All that aside, I was left with two misguided, cheeky, troubled, and in the end, unhurt children. You were given 30 days care of unthreatening check ups, no questions asked of either of you, even though we had every right. There was a board-wide need to make sure you two were safe and unharmed after what happened. Yet neither of you thinks I’d deserve at least a little truth, after all these years, after all this maturing you were able to go through?”

Tadashi didn’t fold into speaking, but Kei saw him tremble. No matter how adventurous he could be, Tadashi was also an honest soul. He wasn’t a brown-noser like a lot of people Kei had come across here, and he wouldn’t beg like some of the orphans who were given a second chance and just threw it away. Tadashi wanted to be a pilot. He didn’t go into 49 registered (and 29 unregistered) simulations for anything else than that. Kei tried to peer into his mind, find something he might use to say, to encourage. He found a wall. Tadashi folded inwards, unable to say a word. 

The guards were up, all around and inside. Kei couldn’t find a thing. 

Ukai Sr. stood up from the chair, swiped past the screen, and brought up another piece of footage. This they’d known, seen as children, and looked back at as adolescents. Always under the tight eye of adults who wanted to know what was going on inside their heads. Even as they registered as recruits on the navy tanker, to have an active role in the defense section, this footage had been shown to them, and the same questions were being repeated, separately and when they both in the same room. During their teenage years, they might have talked, might have let at least one person know.

Fright was what kept them quiet. And it keeps their mouths shut even now.

Ukai Sr. peers at Kei, blindly zooming in on their 9-year-olds selfs. “Tsukishima, have you heard about the Bonzai layer?”

“Version 0.2 or version 3.9?”

“Version 4, the finished one.” Ukai Sr. explains, his fingers hovering the screen. Kei swallows, then nods. He notices Tadashi looking up, but doesn’t take the action to explain. 

“They finalized it last week. Why did you think we were letting you two do the compatibility test just now? Even though doubts were raised about your newly acquired ‘connection’, as long as nothing could be proven, nothing could be said. And while neither of you came to see a supervisor about it, nothing could be done to help.” He taps the screen, two finger splayed in a peace sign tapping a succession of a morse code Kei cannot translate. Before their eyes, the two videos split on screen, and a dark green hue flows from the left to the right. 

Kei remembers the first kaiju he saw, he’d been green as well.

 

*

 

*

 

On that day, there hadn’t been a kaiju. No warning of it, no hint. There wouldn’t be a kaiju for the remainder of the month either. This was the exact reason why the station at Hong Kong had been in an uproar noticing the activation of a jaeger in the sea. Even though it wasn’t more than 10 kilometeres off the Japanese coastline, it had caused havoc along the entire west pacific rim.

Not that they had known, as 9 year old children wouldn’t have anyway.

The misconception everyone had was that Kei had been the infamous instigator. Through his blood relations, he’d stolen the access codes, and it was a popular belief that he was the one making Tadashi go, or even revelling in the little follower he had as a child. Little did people know, or understand. From day one that Kei had known him, Tadashi would pull his arm and bring him to chase gulls, feed crows, look for sharks, climb all sorts of military (and strictly forbidden) aircrafts stationed on deck, or look for things in the hull. 

Although Akiteru was his brother by blood and a pilot, Kei hadn’t seen this much within two years of visiting the base. Within two months of befriending Tadashi, a whole new world opened up for him. Akiteru had taken him to the entrance of a jaeger he was in charge of repairing once, but it had been Tadashi, his hopeful looks, and his promise of fun, that had made Kei step over the threshold. 

He’d always taken the blame though. With his test scores and relations, they wouldn’t have kicked him off the ship. Tadashi, although he was smart and sturdy, didn’t have that luxury. It had always been about being on the navy tanker with the promise of becoming a pilot one day, or going back to China where his parents were. 

Kei had dangled a piece of paper and an access key card in front of Tadashi’s face. During that time, it was mostly Tadashi who had the creative and adventurous ideas. Kei would supply knowledge and routes, and Tadashi would be the final push to actually pursue their imaginary play of that day. Today, Kei supplied secret passwords and a stolen keycard that would grant them access to look inside of a jaeger. It didn’t take Tadashi longer than a minute to convince Kei to go see, especially after he was assured that Akiteru wouldn’t get into trouble. 

“It’s not his card, or anyone’s he knows well or likes.” Kei said, before they went on their newest adventure.

Passing adults, proper saluting those they liked (and mock-saluting anyone’s back they didn’t like), the two passed along the floors and stairs, Tadashi giggling with glee, while Kei just grinned. Coming too close to where the jaeger Akiteru is in charge of repairing is situated, Kei stands against the wall, whistling away until the coast is clear, and he boosts Tadashi into the chute. 

Going by security cameras and security personnel had never been easier. At the end of the chute, Tadashi shone his flashlight on Kei’s piece of paper, while the latter tapped in the emergency code for the chute’s exit. This wouldn’t go off, as he jumped down the chute and to the closest red light, deactivating the minor alarm. He then went back to catch Tadashi jumping out, and they crawled under some chairs to the door. One more swipe of the card opened the door, and they were inside of the jaeger’s head. 

A few lights started to blink, while the two of them explored. Dumb-struck by the sheer awesomeness of it, Kei disregarded the moving objects above them. In the back of his head he knew about the new technologies involving Iron-Man-like motions of the suit becoming one with the man. Jaeger pilots couldn’t waste any time with the new threats coming faster and harder. Now, it took the pilots mere seconds to get through the doors and into position; the suits would match up to their body by the time they were in the places of the hemispheres. 

Nothing of that happened, as Kei knew their dna was being read. They weren’t pilots, relations to any pilots, or even capable to piloting a jaeger. The tech knew, and would leave them alone. 

Tadashi was up at the helm, keeping his hands strictly to the side. Although they would get into big trouble if anything was found out, they didn’t feel like testing their luck and wanted to avoid touching anything by accident. Kei went around the other way, standing on Tadashi’s right, as they admired the clean chrome of clear boards. They’d seen and played around with the scrap metal of the old jaegers, that had had an immense amount of buttons. None of that was needed nowadays, and most commands required only swipes over the clear surface, connected with the suit and partially with the brain. You thought it, and the jaeger would act it out. 

“This is sooo cool.” Tadashi whispered in a hushed and venerated tone. His warm breath fogged the rounded chrome, and a light started flashing on top of it, and above. 

They had no time to blink, let alone take a step back, when the helmets rushed over their heads. The new helmets were bits and pieces of 300 segments that locked together over and around the pilot’s head in perfect fit. With children’s heads being smaller, Kei watched not fitting pieces of it swirl in front of his eyes, like the moons of Saturn, red lights angry at finding an intruder. 

The shock became physical too, when it went through his body, into his toes which locked onto the floor, back to his brain. He felt pain in the back of his eyeballs, and then everything became a bright foggy shade of icy blue. 

He saw his memories first. There weren’t many yet, and most of them were as silly as you’d expect a child’s to be. Standing in class and reciting a poem he’d been proud of, becoming aggravated when a volleyball bounced off his arms in the wrong direction, being on top of Akiteru’s shoulders while they walked a festival on the mainland. Then he saw the other memories, ones he didn’t know, instinct telling him they didn’t belong to him. Climbing a tree, picking up a volleyball, being bullied by three kids.

Kei blinked back into reality, his breath stolen from him. Everything was back tp normal, and the fog in his head had cleared. He knew by the stories he’d heard that that was the Drift, and that the memories he had seen and not recognized belonged to Tadashi. His excitement peaked, and as he turned around to Tadashi to ask about the volleyball, his entire being froze. 

Tadashi sat on the floor, his arms up, his feet trashing. The incoherency of his words wasn’t lost on Kei, as he connected the dots to the last memory he’d seen. Kei couldn’t move, Tadashi’s fright becoming his own, immobilizing him. Looking up, he was beneath a willow tree, as a soft breeze made the long and melancholic leaves move in the wind. He watched as the three children came closer to Tadashi, ill-intent distorting their grinning faces. One held a thick, painful-looking branch of dark wood. Looking back to Tadashi, Kei saw him with his arms up in defense, crossed over his face. The red streaks he saw below and across the elbows caused a surge in unfamiliar animosity in him, which he turned on the three children.

“Leave him alone.” As he said it, he went back to reality, understanding that actions in the present didn’t have any effect in the past. He hadn’t moved from his spot and although he couldn’t see through the visor of this jaeger, he felt the giant moving beneath them, a escape mechanism activated by Tadashi’s panic-stricken state. Nothing he knew so far helped him to get the helmet off, but he remembered the keycard in time to try and swipe it over his head, confirm deactivation of his sphere, and to get it off. He rushed to Tadashi, not bothering with the helmet’s segments that still floated around him. He touched Tadashi, disregarding the first rule of no physical contact with a pilot who was chasing the rabbit. Tadashi lashed out at him, and all around them on the outside, cannons activated. Nothing went off, Kei somehow holding them off, the few helmet pieces attached to his crown following his superior will. 

At last he understood why the jaeger didn’t stop operating. As long as one of the team members piloting it was still in distress, the other, more reasonable one couldn’t turn it off on his own. After previous incidents of one pilot getting caught in the Drift’s memory, it needed two pilots’ full consciousness and cooperation to activate the weaponry. That at least was good, but made Kei all the more anxious to get Tadashi out of the Drift. 

“Hey, Yamaguchi. Snap out of it.” He kept his voice calm, knowing that his own distress only fueled the jaeger. He had held onto Tadashi’s arms, his fingernails now digging in the soft skin scattered with freckles. “Yamaguchi, come on, we’re not playing. Listen to me.”

Another blinding rush went through his system, this one lingering, more present under his skin and in his bones. It was stronger than before, and he felt his own fingers, could see himself through Tadashi’s eyes, until he blinked and it was gone. Kei wouldn’t ever know who the ‘he’ was, himself or Tadashi.

_Don’t hurt me don’t hurt me don’t hurt me don’t hurt me don’t don’t don’t-_

“I’m not hurting you Yamaguchi, please, just-”

 _I want my mom. Where’s dad. Why me. Don’t don’t don’t dontdontdontdont-_ The child in the drift, one year younger, ran away from the bullies. Whatever mental stability Kei had over the jaeger disappeared. In a fight or flight scenario, the scared emotions were stronger than the anger. Kei felt the earth rumble beneath his feet, and although it should be impossible for a jaeger to move without the pilots moving it themselves, the newer models could be overridden by thought alone. And Tadashi’s frightened state, the need to run, the running he was doing in his mind, was all it took to power the jaeger into movement. 

Kei remained calm, he had to do this to bring Tadashi back. Closing his eyes, he brought images of dogs and puppies they’d looked up the other day. On Akiteru’s tablet, Tadashi had shown him all sorts of breeds, the names, heritage, and whether or not they were friendly towards children. They had gone on to watch cute dog videos. Kei projected one of such, a bunch of German Shepherd puppies running around and yapping. He concentrated so hard that it took him some time to notice Tadashi calling out to him. 

_Tsukki?_

Kei wouldn’t remember anything of it himself. That the jaeger had stopped at last, 6 kilometers out of the coast where the warship had been stationed. That a team of people, including the two pilots the jaeger belonged too, got the helmets off them and carried them out. How around the jaeger, one and two helicopters were circling around. Kei would never remember being hauled up or brought back to the craft, or that Akiteru and their mother had called out his name. He wouldn’t know until he saw all those images from Tadashi’s head. The shift had been one so quick and unnoticable that Kei could never pinpoint it. One moment he was trying to get Tadashi back, the next, they had exchanged places; Kei the one cowering, thinking about helping Tadashi, while Tadashi was the one standing and trying to get through him.

_Tsukki?_

“Hey, Tsukki.”

Kei blinks, his eyes dry. He looks to his left, and sees Tadashi’s hand on his arm, before following it up to the worried face watching him. He then glances to Ukai, who stares at him in thought. His head feels light, and the only grounding thing were Tadashi’s thoughts accompanying his own. He feels cold all over, a tremble in his bones he cannot explain, while the only place radiating warmth is where Tadashi’s hand is.

“Say, what brought you back to us in the present?” Ukai didn’t smile, and Kei knew to watch his answer. He wasn’t sure if his ears had heard Yamaguchi calling out to him, or if it had only been the voice in his head. It might as well have been the memory. Back then, it had just been as hard to understand if the 9 year old Tadashi had called out to him by voice, or by thought. The distinction right now went over Kei’s head. 

“The end of my memory, as it is.” He took Tadashi’s wrist and pulled it off his arm, as if to show that this also had been a clue. Tadashi had grown, but his eyes had remained the same over all these years; warm, concerned for Kei’s state of being, and always able to read him. They didn’t need to exchange any kind of words. Kei turned to the old commander, bowing his head. “I deeply apologize for spacing out like this, Ukai-san.”

“It’s quite alright. You gave a good example of what scientists of all ages have believed necessary. Sometimes you have to go back to your past to understand your present. I took the liberty of waiting until you were done. Now, let me explain.” Ukai gave them a breathing moment, in which Kei did his best not to look at Tadashi again, whose eyes haven’t left him yet. 

“The Bonzai layer required two teams working on three separate technologies. One was called the Leaf, which would detect and highlight any strange activity. The second was Wood, a bridge to find two sets of related data. The last and most difficult was the Root, to connect with the past. A layer that can go back in time, find something we weren’t able to see or understand with the tech of that time, and enlighten us in the current days.”

Ukai Sr. went back to stand beside his seat, his arms tugged behind his iron-forged spine, the screen floating behind in silence. “Books have been written, studies have been made, all trying to tell us that we need to know the past to understand the present and to develop a better future. Historians still squabble about this hypothesis. The Bonzai layer can at least help me to prove a point here.” He watches them both once he sits. Kei’s eyes are glued to the unmoving screen, while Tadashi tries to imitate a turtle and sinks into his own seat, trying to hide his face as much as he can by looking downwards. If Tadashi had a talent, he knew when trouble was brewing. “At last, our technology has caught up to what happened, so you two have two choices: tell me about it, or have me show you the facts. With the latter, until the day I die, neither of you will ever become pilots. And although no one will kick you off the ship for betraying my trust and my patience, I am sure you wouldn’t be able to be here any longer.”

“Can I ask you something first?” Kei still eyes the screen, his younger, scared face, and the resolute-looking one next to it, only a day old. At both times, he rushes to Tadashi, and at both times, he tried to help him. Their relationship had taken a more profound shape between those two scenes, and still Kei felt inadequate to help his friend. All he could do is try harder. “Do you understand even a little why we kept our mouths shut?”

“More than anyone. Afraid as children to even understand it. Afraid as teenagers who go through a difficult time. Afraid as recruits to be judged or discriminated against. And of course, afraid at all times to be taken to a lab and be studied. Having your brains cut up, tissue taken, to be researched like a species, like a kaiju. If I understand one thing, it’s the deep friendship and protective streak you two share, as well as something deeper and wilder, which neither of you dares to pursue due to other things that were previously mentioned.”

The words were said in such an understanding way that they took Tadashi’s breath away. Without permission to do so, he stood up and walked away, turning his back on the desk and the screen and the truth. As he stood taking a few breaths in front of Ukai’s window, he wasn’t ordered back or barked at. Ukai looks onto his desk, where Kei notices are their files spread out. He envisions the red stamp of ‘discharged’ crossing their faces, names, and rank. 

All Tadashi wanted to be was a pilot. To help people. To protect the children of the future, to make them not have to go through the same pain he did.

Kei peers into Tadashi’s mind once more, now that the walls have crumbled. There’s an overflow of words, images and information, too much for him to handle on his own. Kei doesn’t know what he is doing, believes himself incapable of any sort of help. He isn’t like Tadashi, he doesn’t have that base warmth and infinite understanding. All he can do is try and share the burden anyways. He finds his answer there, then tilts his head to the side to look at the screen, ready to go back in time.

“Would you… permit us to see it? The Bonzai layer, I mean.”

Ukai Sr. nods, and doesn’t watch as Kei sends a signal to Tadashi, telling him to breathe and calm down, to come back. _'It’s going to be fine, Tadashi.'_ He has no ground to say or believe it, and can only be thankful when Tadashi listens, returns without questioning, without asking ‘really?’ or ‘promise?’. Once he’s seated, Ukai’s finger presses the middle of the screen.

“Bonzai protocol activation, crow 001 authorization.” From the point of his finger, green ripples create another, lighter hue. Then the videos start to play. 

The difference in time and place is so much easier to see. 

During their short time as miniature pilots in a broken, loose jaeger, when Kei had vehemently tried to force Tadashi out of the Drift, there had been two separate electric-like shocks that had gone through Kei’s body. The first was right as they Drifted, the second had come when he went to Tadashi’s aid. The scientist based on this ship knew they were Drift compatible, but the deeper, stranger connection made that day had remained invisible to the naked eye, to the cameras. It had remained unknown as they both kept their mouths shut about it. 

Through the Bonzai layer, nothing of it was left to be secret. Grass-green sparks and the tiniest of lightning bolts clashed between their heads, and as Ukai magnified the first footage of them as children, one connecting line formed a bridge between their foreheads. Another layer called the Live X-ray showed how that one line had a myriad of ending, connecting to their brains. Zooming out and deleting that layer, the sparks and bolts and lines became fewer, disappeared, and at times appeared to come from Tadashi to Kei. On the second footage, they were omnipresent. The same colour, the same motions, one strange line between them that didn’t bend, bow, or break. 

The two screens went away, and other security camera videos showed up. Kei feels uncomfortable as he remembers the things on screen, the messages and images he sent to Tadashi, visible through the Bonzai layer. The line didn’t disappear, and his thoughts were seen as arrows, snaking around the line, sneaking into Tadashi’s head. He can only count his lucky stars that the content of their thoughts wasn’t yet able to be deciphered by this technology.

At one time during dinner, the Tadashi in Ukai’s office kicked Kei’s leg, as the Tadashi at the dining table became red in the face. Kei kept his smile at a minimum, trying to lock the image of him spreading syrup across Tadashi’s chest and nipples and licking it right off within a deep place within his mind, as to not remind Tadashi of it in the present. The pain in his leg made him know the facts of it were crystal clear without an exchange of thoughts.

“Yeah, sorry about that one.” Kei said out loud, focusing on the screen in front of him.

“You should be sorry because of all of them.”

Ukai closed all footage with the tap of his finger, and the floating screen lifted to the ceiling, to be used another time. He regards them with patience, simply waiting for the confession occupying the room only by a shared knowledge of its truth. At last, and kindly hoping that Ukai’s empathy of earlier wasn’t faked, Kei spoke of what they all knew, but never had spoken about.

“Yamaguchi and I share thoughts. He wakes up from my dreams, I hear his dry humour when he thinks it but does not speak it, I communicate to him things I wouldn’t usually say out loud. It’s as if we are always in the Drift.” He leaves out the filthy facts, yet hears the reprimanding in his head for it anyway. 

“Constantly?” Ukai asks, his brow creasing. “Even now, this entire time?”

“Yes,” They say at the same time, Tadashi speaking up at last. He perks up, although he’s still nervous. Sitting up straighter, his eyes have left the carpet, and they are locked with Kei’s, a million things left unspoken. “It’s constant, ever present. I calculated that we need a 20 meter radius at least. I didn’t test it out on stronger emotions...”

“No, that might have been unwise.” Ukai contemplates their files for a few minutes, then puts them back into the folders they belonged to. On top of his desk, a slit opens, and he slides the two folders into it, making them disappear from sight. “Neither should we. Science has come a long way, but what you two have is unparalleled, uncharted. And it is my belief that it should be kept this way. For now, the connection you have, this Drift outside of a jaeger. It has a higher value for the greater good to keep it, and let you two test the strengths of it yourself, than to let it be studied and possibly broken.”

As if on cue, Ukai Jr. and Takeda walked in. Takeda waved the folders Ukai Sr. had in his hands minutes ago, and gave them back. “All sorted out, Ukai-san.”

“Yup, ready to go.” Ukai Jr. threw Kei and Tadashi one bored look, that quickly changed into a smile. “That meant ‘go’, as in, get your asses off the chairs. The nice life is over, recruits.”

Ukai Sr. didn’t grin when he threw a device at his grandson’s head. “Stop talking as if you know shit, young one. You’re 43 years too early for that. Also, address me more respectfully. Who raised you to let you say ‘yup’, to your grandfather? How are you ever going to train the new recruits like this?”

“Do you have to be so precise!?” Jumping on the only thing that mattered to him, Ukai Jr. growls back, rubbing his aching forehead. Takeda, as usual, tries to hush them both up, bringing the focus back to the pair who had slowly gotten up from the seats. Once the two relations were looking in the opposite direction, Takeda came forward, beaming like a proud father watching his two sons.

“And in any case, we shouldn’t call them ‘recruits’ anymore, right?”

Ukai Sr. nods, his eyes closed, waving Kei and Tadashi out of his office. 

“Right. Yamaguchi, Tsukishima, newly instated _pilots_ in training, follow Takeda and my good-for-nearly-nothing grandson. And don’t keep any more secrets out of fright, understood?”

Dazed, arms moving on autopilot, Kei and Tadashi saluted their highest superior, then followed the other two supervisors out of the office. 

_Did he just say pilots?_

_'I’m not remembering you being deaf, Tadashi. I am sure he did.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope it was an enjoyable read~ This fic is almost as old as time and I don't know why I kept it waiting finished and beta-read for so long... I tried checking it over many times but then an... edit-block??? came all over. 
> 
> I fixed some thought mistakes (hopefully all of them). Tadashi's thoughts should be italics and Kei's should have be in '...' for clarity.

**Author's Note:**

> The next chapter will follow somewhere next week, and will be a little shorter ;; I hope it was an enjoyable read and that I did both the Pacific Rim universe and the ship justice. Recently I started writing tsukkiyama again, following Yanka's punguchi au (my Tsukishima is not a prep tho www) I still love with all my heart but at one point I just wanted to write other ships too~
> 
> Thank you for reading~ Please let me know in the comments if you liked the fic and what you enjoyed;;; (if you feel like it 8D)


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